Catch-9/11: Appendix: You Know Sometimes Words Have Two Meanings

Appendix: You Know Sometimes Words Have Two Meanings

It can get a bit confusing.

Learn the Vocabulary

No matter how closely you listen to our great leaders, you can never really understand what they're saying until you learn the vocabulary.

Liberty + Freedom = Democracy

* liberty ==> sharks eat little fish
* freedom ==> big dogs eat little dogs
* democracy == see "freedom" and "liberty"
* it's a free country ==> see "freedom"
* democracy (US) ==> rule by big corporations
* democracy (elsewhere) ==> rule by big foreign corporations
* an excess of democracy ==> rule by the people (dangerous)
* free markets ==> see "freedom"
* liberal economics ==> see "liberty" and "freedom"

Service and Security

* serving one's country ==> slurping at the national tough
* a life of service ==> a whole lifetime of slurping
* public service ==> slurping at the public tough
* selfless service ==> slurping vigorously
* dedicated public servant ==> never stopped slurping
* national security ==> feeding the war machine
* national unity ==> shut up! and do what you're told!
* threat to national security ==> someone with both a heart and a mind
* threat to national unity ==> shut up!
* preparing to respond to an emergency ==> preparing to take advantage of a disaster
* trying to prevent an emergency ==> see "hypothetical"
* preparing to respond to a terrorist attack ==> preparing to stage a terrorist attack
* trying to prevent a terrorist attack ==> see "hypothetical"
* continuity of government ==> continuity of personal power

The Rule of Law

* the rule of law ==> depends on how much money you have
* equality under the law ==> depends on how much money you have
* equal rights for all ==> depends on how much money you have
* regardless of skin color ==> if you have enough money
* the war on drugs (US) ==> war on black men
* the war on drugs (non-US) ==> monopolizing the international drug trade

Foreign Affairs

* international cooperation ==> how do you say "torture" in _______ ?
* bringing stability ==> establishing death squads in foreign countries
* spreading freedom ==> attacking democratic institutions in foreign countries
* supporting democratic institutions ==> selling weapons to mass murderers
* fighting for peace ==> killing them all and taking their stuff
* fighting for freedom ==> see "fighting for peace"
* nation building ==> see "shock and awe"
* shock and awe ==> see "nation building"
* showing our friends how reliable we are ==> see "shock and awe"
* maintaining our global credibility ==> see "nation building"
* our friends rely on us ==> none of them were legitimately elected
* you can rely on us too ==> and neither were we

Domestic Affairs

* institutional investors ==> Wall Street bankers
* policy influencers ==> see "institutional investors"
* supporting small business ==> supporting institutional investors
* we have an open door policy ==> but you can't come in
* supporting education ==> cutting funding to schools
* supporting health care ==> cutting funding to hospitals
* supporting science ==> cutting funding for research
* supporting social programs ==> repealing laws against predatory business practices
* promoting healthy lifestyles ==> developing biological weapons
* protecting the environment ==> fracking etc.
* we have an open door policy ==> but you can't come in
* safe ==> dangerous
* effective ==> stupid
* safe and effective ==> see "dangerous" and "stupid"
* you have the right to vote ==> if you're lucky
* your right to vote is guaranteed by the Constitution ==> except it's not
* your vote counts ==> as one out of 300 million
* it's a free country ==> and we've got our eye on you!
* we have an open door policy ==> but you can't come in
* the best government is a small one ==> just big enough to read your email before you see it
* if you don't like it, write to your congressman ==> if you've donated enough, he might help you

Conspiracy Theory

* power corrupts ==> except in the U.S.
* absolute power corrupts absolutely ==> except in the U.S. and the U.S.A.
* cui bono ==> who benefits?
* who benefits? ==> usually indicates a motive, but see "power corrupts"
* conspiracy ==> people secretly working together to plan a crime
* conspiracy theory ==> an obviously false claim
* official story ==> the whole truth and you'd better believe it
* gullible ==> too smart to believe the official story
* conspiracy theorists ==> see "gullible" and "conspiracy theory"
* gullible conspiracy theorists ==> same as above but too dumb to breathe
* paranoid lunatic conspiracy theorists ==> same as above but dangerously unhinged
* there is overwhelming evidence ==> but none of it is credible
* you can't prove anything ==> we've destroyed all the evidence

Truth vs. Fiction

* up ==> down
* straight ==> crooked
* light ==> darkness
* honestly ==> bullshxt
* truthfully ==> bullshxt
* sincerely ==> bullshxt
* frankly ==> bullshxt
* the truth ==> bullshxt
* the whole truth ==> more bullshxt
* nothing but the truth ==> less bullshxt
* we've got your back ==> take a hike
* nothing to see here ==> scene of the crime
* the President knows more than you do ==> the NSA knows what you're doing!
* the President knows what he's doing ==> look out!

Freedom of the Press

* free press (US) ==> a bastion of democracy
* free press (foreign) ==> a cancer that must be eradicated
* free speech (US) ==> essential to our freedoms
* free speech (foreign) ==> see "free press (foreign)"
* fair ==> rigged
* balanced ==> see "fair"
* fair and balanced ==> would topple over if it stopped spinning
* foreign journalism ==> anti-American propaganda
* domestic journalism ==> why would they lie to us?

Freedom of Speech

* the voice of the people ==> means nothing to our great leaders
* the will of the people ==> see "the voice of the people"
* ask not ==> shut up!
* what your country can do for you ==> depends on how much money you have
* ask ==> see "ask not"
* what you can do for your country ==> whatever it tells you to do
* the accusation is absurd ==> see "ask"
* the objection is political ==> see "ask"
* how dare you? ==> see "ask"
* why can't you be serious? ==> see "ask"
* what is the matter with you? ==> see "ask"
* you must be kidding ==> see "ask"
* shame on you! ==> see "ask"
* have you no shame? ==> see "ask"
* are you a scientist? ==> see "ask"
* do you have a degree in this area? ==> see "ask"
* how can you think such a thing? ==> see "ask"
* free speech zones ==> shut up or get lost
* we have an open free speech policy ==> but you can't come in
* you can say anything you want ==> as long as you don't want to say anything; otherwise see "ask"
* you can ask as many questions as you want ==> as long as you don't want to ask any questions; otherwise see "ask not"

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... And Forgive Us Our Sins ...