Prologue: Endless Robotic Singing Pays Big Dividends

The Congressional Choir loves you.


This whole dismal 9/11 thing is complicated and boring, even when it's carelessly explained with an unimpressive list of irrelevant details and a rare cloudiness of so-called vision. That's why it doesn't make any sense to learn about it.

Nobody believes any of the following. But that doesn't matter because it's all true, or at least some of it might be.

Foreward: Looking Backward or How We Didn't Get Here

Terrified once again, Yossarian watched

as the towers collapsed upward in a

very ordinary manner. And the plane

Contents: Table of Fables or How This Nonsense Is Disorganized

Shh! Keep your voice down.

9/11 Truth Art by Anthony Freda
{ see the full-size image
and/or visit Anthony's site! }

Here's the plan:

Chapter 1: Terrorists of Global Reach: A Conspiracy Theory

The news spread like wildfire.

All of a Sudden

Everyone turned on (or to) the nearest television, and within a few minutes most of us were asking "Where did all this terrorism come from all of a sudden?" Fortunately, we have no idea. But I can tell you what we do know.

Chapter 2: Honest Reactions from Great Statesmen or The Grand Parade of Snarling Psychopaths

Benjamin Netanyahu loves you.

An Epidemic of Failure

All decent patriotic Americans have a built-in failure to remember what our great American and Israeli leaders tell us. And this is understandable because (1) most of what they say doesn't make any sense, and (2) telling the truth is not part of their job description. We say "actions speak louder than than words", and that is certainly true. But their words are loud, too, sometimes. Fortunately, most of what I'm about to tell you was forgotten a long time ago.

Chapter 3: I Saw The News Today Oh Boy or Every Silver Lining Has A Cloud

It was a very ordinary thing to happen.

The World Trade Center

Only two of the seven buildings that made up the World Trade Center complex were hit by airplanes, but all seven suffered heavily. Early media attention focused on the collapses of Buildings 1 and 2. And later we learned that Building 7 had also collapsed. But until recently, only a few dedicated researchers were aware that Buildings 3, 4, 5, and 6 were also destroyed on the same day.

Nowadays, thanks to the exceedingly free flow of information that we currently enjoy, most people know all about this.

Chapter 4: How and When We Knew Who Did It or Jerome Hauer and the Magic Phone Calls

Jerome Hauer loves you.

Impacts and Fires

Before the non-toxic dust had even begun to settle, Jerome Hauer was on national television telling Dan Rather that the towers had collapsed because of the impacts of the planes crashing into them, plus the intense fires which raged until the towers could no longer hold their own weight.

His insight was a blessing which set the investigation on the right track from the beginning.

Chapter 5: Prompt Removals and Quick Departures or A Sudden Break With Reality

Nothing was left of Building 6 but an intolerable eyesore.

Valuable Real Estate

If the debris left in the wake of the World Trade Center "collapses" had not been gathered up and shipped out of the country immediately, some of the country's most valuable real estate could not have been redeveloped so quickly.

People tend to forget how lucky we are that things worked out this way. The U.S. has always been a place where unscrupulous developers could get rich quick, and as President Bush so brilliantly remarked, we were not about to let the terrorists change our way of life.

Chapter 6: Hopeless Losers in Hollow Mountains or Protect Your Steak

Sudden Upside-Down Syndrome
even hit Uncle Sam.

Sore Thumbs

If Sudden Upside-Down Syndrome ("SUDS") was a difficult concept for some of us to handle, it was nothing compared to what other people were trying to handle. A few of those guys were even dumber than half a brick, and they stuck out like sore thumbs, of course.

The thumbs which stuck out the most, and I know you'll be shocked to hear this, belonged to people who had been educated in civilized countries, rather than in the U.S. I noticed a few thumbs that looked exceptionally painful, and I know you'll be shocked to hear this too, but those thumbs just happened to belong to former diplomats!

Chapter 7: The Joy of Finally Understanding or Eliminate the Impossible

The name of the secret communications network
was a secret.

Why This is This

We're fortunate that now, 20 years later, we can reflect on how badly things could have gone and how horribly the continuity of our government could have been disrupted if anyone had ever known anything about anything in time to do anything about it. But fortunately the only people who knew anything about it were sending secret messages back and forth on the secret network: Flash-Gordon, or Flash-Bulb, maybe.

I tend to forget some of the details. As I've been saying, I'm not exactly new to all this, but on the other hand I haven't done any research for this project, even though my memory is failing. And I would tell you why if I could remember.

Chapter 8: The Full and Impartial Investigation or God Bless Phil Zelikow

Philip Zelikow loves you.

Divided and Destabilized

As we all know, the U.S. government could have decided in the wake of the attacks to mount a politically motivated coverup rather than a full and impartial investigation.

It's a good thing that didn't happen because it might have divided and destabilized our entire society.

Chapter 9: No Evidence of Foreknowledge Anywhere, Especially in Israel or at the CIA

Donald Rumsfeld loves you.

Shorting the Airlines

If somebody with advance knowledge of the impending attacks had decided to try to convert that knowledge into money, he might have used an old trick called "short selling" or simply "shorting". It's an agreement to sell a certain stock at a certain time for a certain price. It's called "short" because the seller doesn't own the stock yet; after he has sold it, he plans to buy it before he needs to deliver it to the original buyer.

People do this because they can turn big profits by selling when the price is high and buying later when the price is low. Therefore, if somebody had known what was going to happen, and that the prices of certain stocks were about to plummet, he could have capitalized on his knowledge by "shorting" American or United Airlines stock, for example. And for a while it appeared as if this had actually happened.

Chapter 10: Popular Mathematics Saves the Day or A Salute to Keith Seffen

Dr. Keith Seffen, an amazing mathematical
genius from the University of Cambridge,
loves fake math and bogus engineering,
but he loves you even more.

An Amazing Genius

A handful of selfish and inconsiderate whiners had complained that the mysteries of the day had been rendered unsolvable by the swift removal of all the physical evidence, which disappeared long before the full and impartial investigation had even got started. They were wrong, of course, but it took a long time and an amazing mathematical genius to discover this fact.

Chapter 11: A Gravity-Driven Collapse or No Bombs In The Towers

The towers were made of cardboard.


The phrase "gravity-driven collapse" had become important because many contemporary reports, from professional reporters and eyewitnesses alike, had mentioned explosions in the towers.

Even the New York Times fell for the gag, publishing transcripts of an oral history project involving more than 500 fire fighters and other first responders, more than 100 of whom reported either explosions or evidence of explosions.

Chapter 12: Saved By An Army of Gatekeepers or A Lucky Lockdown

Noam Chomsky loves you.

the piper's calling you to join him

It Takes All Kinds

There was certainly enough collective imagination to go around, at least until the gatekeepers could beat it back a bit. And it took a horrible beating from a variety of weapons.

Chapter 13: Monitoring the Terrorists Online or How Lovely Rita Katz Got Lucky

Lovely Rita Katz loves you.

in a tree by the brook,
there's a songbird who sings

An American Hero

Hardly anybody recognizes Rita Katz as an American hero, possibly because she keeps such a low profile, or maybe because she's not an American, but an Israeli citizen. The point is: She never fails to come to our aid when we need her. And she makes good money doing it.

Epilogue: A Great Wave of Relief or No Major Policy Adjustments

... a great wave of relief washes over me ...

Reasons to be Concerned

On that dreadful morning, even before any towers had collapsed, some paranoid delusional fools were worrying that the whole dismal episode might provide an opportunity for devious government officials who would use it as a pretext to justify new policies which would have been unsupportable on 9/10. And I was one of them.

We had good reasons to be concerned, especially since the day's news broadcasts were peppered with comforting little exchanges in which the anchor would ask, "Does this mean our civil liberties will have to be restricted?" and the guests replied, "It's obvious that the Constitution doesn't protect us against attacks such as this." And that seemed a bit ominous.

Backward: Looking Forward or It's Just a Question of Style

Joseph Heller hated you.

It Goes Without Saying

It goes without saying that anyone with any imagination can think of any number of horrible things which could have happened but didn't. Even the author of this demented website, a clown on the internet who is clearly having trouble thinking clearly, could imagine 10 or 20 new ones every day for at least a couple of months.

We can and should be thankful that none of these horrible things have happened. But Americans are not usually comfortable feeling thankful, which is why we only do it one day a year. So there's no point in going on and on, which is not to imply that I couldn't have done so, nor that I won't do so in the future.

Appendix: You Know Sometimes Words Have Two Meanings

It can get a bit confusing.

Learn the Vocabulary

No matter how closely you listen to our great leaders, you can never really understand what they're saying until you learn the vocabulary.

Tailgate Party: A Winter Festival of Stupid Music

We're this close!

You're doing great! We're almost there.

You've learned an unimpressive list of irrelevant details. You've achieved a rare cloudiness of so-called vision. You know about some of the hopeless losers who have brought us here and some of the feckless fools who have been trying to keep us here. They're failing, you know. You're proof of that.

In short, you now know all there is to know about 9/11.